Taper me if you can!
Written by NZ Chef Si@Chef Sarawak
Copyright NZ Chef Si 1
Copyright NZ Chef Si 2
Copyright NZ Chef Si 3
Eons ago there was an Anunnaki tribal chef who first taught me how to cook professionally. Besides excelled in cooking all the meat dishes, especially exotic games dishes, this Anunnaki chef also possessed prowess to attract pretty birds one after another sitting on his shoulder to sing for him; all because he was such a good listener and he could give them as equally good remark as “Darling bird, you really got a heavenly gorgeous voice, your singing could melt my heart and nourish my inner soul!”
And true enough, some of these heavenly voice birds were coming from paradise. These birds were so pleased that they even expose and led the tribal chef to gourmet cuisines in their paradise more than anyone else.
There was something about this Anunnaki tribal chef that was so different from the normal modern human beings. This is because he had achieved the highest attain of cultivation on earth, which is called “pretend stupid”. As his student, if I could percept Anunnaki’s intention laterally, I found out I could actually produce something called heavenly bread rolls as well, and after he ate my bread rolls, his remarks could probably make me wish that I was a bird which could sit on his shoulder to sing for him as well!
Everyone calls the bread served during a meal as "bread rolls" or during dinner as "dinner rolls" regardless of their size or shape. They may appear as a little girl’s palm size bun, a larger slice of ciabatta or a few slices of baguettes. No diner would give a heed, except a couple in disguise who left the restaurant unimpressed as they had tried all the food from the paradise. They wanted paradise dining experience, paradise service, and paradise food. However, they found the bread rolls served was not as interesting as their paradise standard. Nonetheless, a few months later, Michelin stars were given to someone in elsewhere who paid such little attention on bread rolls that could attain paradise standard.
Everyone calls the bread served during a meal as "bread rolls" or during dinner as "dinner rolls" regardless of their size or shape. They may appear as a little girl’s palm size bun, a larger slice of ciabatta or a few slices of baguettes. No diner would give a heed, except a couple in disguise who left the restaurant unimpressed as they had tried all the food from the paradise. They wanted paradise dining experience, paradise service, and paradise food. However, they found the bread rolls served was not as interesting as their paradise standard. Nonetheless, a few months later, Michelin stars were given to someone in elsewhere who paid such little attention on bread rolls that could attain paradise standard.
Let me refresh my eons ago memory. During the first service, my Anunnaki chef printed out a recipe probably “stolen” from Enki crystal file’s MenuCoster. He got a few earliest Homo sapiens from Indus Valley to taper his paradise dinner rolls out of his recollecting memories. But somewhat the dinner roll recipe that he had “stolen” from Enki file was not the paradise version but a version that Enki used to murder Silphium goddess slowly. This toxin worked in such a way that when the bread rolls began to decay, its salt would also gradually corrode the Silphium's roots to cause its extinction. Even up to these days no modern scientist suspected that Enki had actually murdered the ancient Silphium goddess.
And all because of such murderous bread rolls recipe, I volunteered to fly to the site to investigate if it was true that such recipe was not fitted to feed the twenty-first century mutated Homo sapiens' guests. I found out they followed the recipe correctly, and I confirmed it was Enki’s deadly recipe used to murder Silphium Goddess. I also discovered that such poison was intensified when some minor invisible toxin called Palmolive residue was accidentally mixed in by Indus Valley Homo Sapien who loved to knead their dough next to the dish basin. After I completed my investigation, soon I found out the dinner service to serve a group of 21st century Homo sapiens would begin an hour later, but where were the dinner rolls? Then I told Anunnaki chef, “Count on me, let’s start all over again!” but we both got the count in silence.
Monkeys see, monkeys do, as an Anunnaki’s student; I also had attained his cultivation of pretense stupidity. Unless necessary, I would not usually get my hands sticky. My turned-on six sense clock had informed me that there was not enough time to deliver the twenty-first century's thermomix back to such eon’s age to accomplish the dough within 30 seconds, and such limited time of 60 minutes could only produce reasonably edible bread rolls. To add extra flour, yeast, and water to the “toxic” dough could neutralize its “poison”. I calculated that a crew of reliable manpower was needed, i.e. my easy go lucky cat friend’s dexterities and a giant friend’s weight, this two-in-one could be as equivalent as a quarter horsepower of a thermomix, and let me tell you, the ever cooperative Indus Valley Homo sapiens were truly coming from a good civilization, with everyone’s help, those bread rolls came out from combi oven an hour later were safe to eat.
My Anunnaki chef and I thought that to feed those twenty-first century's Homo sapiens was easy, but unfortunately there was such a regal guest from the kingdom called “Sisters Monarchy” who claimed to have eaten so many paradise foods on and off, thus after the feast, she began to make a big fuss on me about the sub-standard bread rolls.
“The French onion soup should not be served with such a soft crust bread roll!” she fussed.
“Sorry, Anunnaki chef placed me at Main so the bread rolls were not made by me, it was Enki’s poison recipe. I already tried my best to adapt and made them harmless to eat, if they were made by me personally from my two hands…” I showed her my muscular hands that couldn’t tell my age, “…. that would be different ones!” I was as slippery as Kaa, the snake from Disneyland.
“I have never seen you making any bread before, are you sure?” “Sisters-monarchy” queen looked at me with her suspicious eyes.
“Well, all because you wanted to eat those artisan bread rolls that were actually used to accompany those giants’ French onion soup, those giant bakers’ hands were too big to taper mini artisan bread rolls for 21st century Homo sapiens, only my hands could taper them!”I showed her my beautiful hands again. She looked at me with great suspicion again and probably tried to get some senses out of my words, but soon she got back to her regal as SM Queen.
“I don’t care if it was giants or dwarfs that tapered the bread, I want to see assorted mini baguette with crispy crust that I had eaten all over the paradise feasts. If you want to invite me to your Anunnaki dinner service next time, proof to me that you can make something like that!”
“OK!” Ok a ^%$#@ your majesty!” %#@&^%$ ….. the ever arrogant queen of “Sisters Monarchy”!”
My Anunnaki chef was so different from other Anunnaki or Enki who pro-slavery or imperialism. He was the first Anunnaki who introduced something called “fully democratic” to his work environment. His workplace was just like modern America, a melting pot of all human races, but some human races would take such democratic advantages to reveal they were unmistakably born and raised in monarchy countries before. If there were granted any authority, they would be standing there doing nothing while enjoying seeing the rest of people cleaning up the kitchen like slaves.
Most of the time, I discovered Anunnaki chef would close one of his eyes pretended to be stupid or pretended didn’t see if there was any hopelessly egoistic or no ambition's Homo sapien. Then only I could detect his worried gaze that looked like my mother on the big feast days, all because she couldn’t cook but I could tell he worried if someone would burn the food accidentally.
So it happened that the following service I was put at Entrée section. I requested my Anunnaki chef whether I could be in charged of making bread rolls alone, as the soup probably require three persons to help. He agreed but with as equally suspicious glance like SM Queen. That meant my level of human cultivation called “pretense stupid” had par-up even a step higher than him already! But one thing about this “fully democratic” chef, I always felt grateful that he trusted my words more than SM Queen and even his own suspicion!
On mise en place day, he would courteously ask me for the bread rolls sample indirectly, “Can you make a batch for those hungry people?” It also hinted he started to pay heed. He was the kind of chef tutor who pro played and learned's method. He would never challenge me to do something but only continuously gave me supports of the things I requested and gave me required advises and flattering at a right time. When you worked with him, there was a silent mutual understanding. You felt that he understood you in and out, now you know why all those beautiful birds love to sing on his shoulders!
My chef who was an Anunnaki ends here. I wrote it all because I only realized that many people love to listen or read my ancient civilization stories. I even heard that a group of aliens from Nibiru even returned to the presence time through the time machine in order to read what I wrote on my facebook. They started to pull each other’s leg all because they found out the chicken bones that I "stole" from an Enki chef that they knew of was so hilarious. I discovered that the only catalyst to enable such peeking was through a mutual facebook powerhouse-friend that the most awesome Kiwi Chefs would call him as Godfather.
Back to the twentieth century, I was alone on a busy street of a city called Warsaw when it was the time still under communistic reign. There was not a single Chinese restaurant I could find in the city. Honestly, I never missed a single grain of rice even after six months staying there! Was I a pure Chinese I wondered? All because those bread that Polish made were simply an epic when they freshly came out from old fashion oven. Good bread just needed good butter, or for Italian, premium extra virgin olive oil. That’s the first part of the history of how I began to learn about different type of bread.
Happy time is easier to be forgotten, by gone and be gone, to temper maturity is to be able to stay thankful for every moment of adversities and able to vision even of an unfathomed future. As adversities always came with a purpose to fulfill a gap in one’s future destination, thus only on this twenty-first century, almost thirty years later, I finally could produce assorted mini baguette rolls to please Anunnaki chef, SM Queen, Godfather and lastly you hardly could find another more elegance French lady who would squeeze my chubby classmate’s cheeks like a baby here in Southern hemisphere, I don’t know why this reincarnated once a prince mixed with all Arab, Persian,Turks and Mughal living in Indus Valley came to chef school to learn how to make naan again! Anyway, no hoax and no second class service when this elegant French lady from a hospitality school was in-charge of her crew of students in the restaurant during service time. She ordered her crew of students to put a napkin on a plate before placing those assorted mini rolls on top, instantly it turned into an art piece.
Why the atmosphere of a fine dining restaurant was always so serious? Could someone or something turn the atmosphere to a very memorable, lively or cheerful event? I was imagining there was a very sweet and lovely waitress or friendly waiter carried a basket of assorted mini baguette offering to the guests to pick their preferable choice or a basketful of assorted mini baguette place on the dining table to keep your guests’ eyes busy and wonder which one they wanted to pick.
The SM Queen then told me something ……. “Don’t make the bread rolls too big, just big enough for girls to pick up and bite it through the mouth gracefully!” Oh yeah gracefully in front of another girl but flirtingly in front of another man! Hmm….. Literally it deciphered to my lateral side of mind was …… Freudian theory is just so true, 90% of the time human either subconsciously or consciously thought of sex ….. it also told me anything could provoke human primitive urge’s subconscious reaction could sell every well, just look at those perfumes advertisement, am I kidding you? Now you know why nobody would take a heed of those slices of baguette, ciabatta or buns.
That service evening SM regal couple and the elegance French lady instantly became amigos, there was a famous quote in the restaurant, “When the bread rolls are good, it gives a good kick for the rest of the dishes of the night!” The French lady told the SM regal couple that it was the very first time she saw this kind of assorted French baguette for Homo sapiens appeared here in the city. She said that she liked it because the crust was crispy and soft on the inside. If a French man told you your Homo sapien baguette was good, it was a flattering. If an elegant French lady who has been in the hospitality industry for so long told you that your Homo sapien baguette was good, it should be an epic! Anunnaki chef was very pleased and then he never ever asked me to flaunt my skills in front of anyone anymore lest that someone might steal my patent. He wanted me to reserve it if I open a restaurant in the future, but I told him I would be looking for a celebrity chef who planned to look for a beautiful bird who could talk instead, sitting on his shoulder acting like a recipe book while letting him feed me the pine nuts. “Gee SI…. You are getting naughty now! NO, you can cook, you gonna cook!” That what I last heard from my Anunnaki chef.
A good mini baguette’s crust should be crispy but not flaky (don’t use corn starch, wrong stuff, and wrong techniques), the crispy crust should still be there and lasted for four hours. After a day, the crust should not turn soft but an obvious chewable crust, and inside the bread should not be too porous, as it is not a ciabatta. Good bread’s internal texture should have a chewy texture, not too hard to chew, not too dense or not too soft, it should have a good aroma. Just like any other dishes, bread needs to be flavorful. Pay attention to the hidden subtleness of five tastes comprised of sweet, sour, salty, umani and bitter. You should never add any preservative or additives. You have to use all natural ingredients. Just like if you want to make a soufflé, you can’t use cream of tartar but you can use salt.
Human beings sometimes could act like a little squirrel when it comes to good bread. Good bread would cause one’s desire to go for another bite after the first bite. At dinners, if one mini baguette is given to the diner(s) while their eyes are busy looking for other interesting shapes on the basket, congratulations! You have successfully turned a basketful of assorted bread rolls into an avant-garde art that could provoke people to fantasize. Please remember, culinary art is a part of the fine art’s backbone of a culture!
